Quarantine Birthday

I guess if you’re living in the Philippines, you’re going to have at least one quarantine birthday. I’m not so sure if the situation is gonna be better anytime soon, but I really hope it will. Right now, I’m still stuck in a city with one of the most number of positive cases.

I never want to celebrate any of my birthday in a room full of people with flickering colored lights and booming music. Honestly, I just want to spend each of them in a serene place or in a warm restaurant, on a table surrounded with the few people I trust and love—just something intimate filled with stories and laughter. Yet even with how simple the latter can be, my villain situation still triumphed.

Nothing special happened. However, there’s somehow this obligatory feeling to write a blog post about one’s birthday when you’re a “blogger”. I initially didn’t wanna write about it because it’s unlike the usual celebration with pomp and blare. If my 24th of August 2020 is some kind of a movie, it would be shown in an old rugged theater through reeling a film, all black and white, and within just a minute into watching, you’d have a strong desire to leave. Because the first few minutes after I’ve woken up, all my mind could process is my strong desire to go home.

Well, even the thought of going home tires me already, with all those regulations and testing that I need to undergo makes me just wanna settle here and watch a ton of series the whole day. I’m not feeling so good in the past weeks. I feel so horrible, not the extreme, but like feeling flat, gloomy, or melancholic. But who doesn’t right? I mean, in the kind of situation we’re in today, who would feel good and hyped aside from those who are living their dreams and feeling nothing but apathy for the world?

And yet, of course, I’m so glad to have two close friends celebrate the day just by being present here with me. We just ate and watched a movie, nothing more special apart from the presence of two other souls that makes it. Aside from that, I’m back to the usual melancholic ambiance. (Grateful to those who greeted me on social media, too.)

As much as I want it to be, it’s hard to end this post at a redemption arc. I want my posts, my experiences, to be encouraging. Yet maybe, just by being vulnerable this time with all honesty, it will also speak to you just as much. Because life isn’t always a ‘win’ situation. Yes, breakthrough will come, but not always as soon as you want them to. I just know that I need to write this, like those gut feelings that say you just have to do it no matter what.

But if anything could make you feel better at this moment, maybe it’s to let you know that if you’re feeling, by far, the same way I do, then this will tell that you’re not alone. What you’re going through is not unique to you, and if you find the right person to talk to, you’d know that s/he has gone through the same thing, too. If you’re not okay, it’s okay. You can live through it as long as you don’t let it destroy you.

Things honestly suck sometimes—your situation, your feelings, your thoughts. God knows how much I just want to sulk in the comfort of my home back in the province and not think about anything. But I know that someday soon, God will let me see, which I’ll be thankful for, the purpose of being created for such a time as this. For being here.

Though I feel stuck and gloomy, I’m grateful for being loved every second since forever. Apart from the two decades and four years of exposure in this world (plus nine months in my mother’s womb), God has already thought about me for eternity. My feelings aren’t always the truth, and I’m always glad that truth, and not the feeling, is where our freedom depends on. Even though I don’t feel okay, I know God loves me still. He always holds me and He stays anyway. Every beat of my heart is a proof of that.

And with every beat of my heart, I am firmly believing on what’s true. I hope you are or will, too.

Luv,

13 thoughts on “Quarantine Birthday”

  1. “My feelings aren’t always the truth, and I’m always glad that truth, and not the feeling, is where our freedom depends on.” WOW! Your words as a whole even though you may not think they are encouraging, they are. Thank you for sharing your heart. It most definitely lifted mine! -Tab

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hanna, Happy belated birthday. I understand your frustration. My birthday is in March. Every year it is during Lent and that holds down any celebration. This year we we just quarantined a week before. While I do have an understanding I can’t say I know how you feel. I dont. I do have my wife with me. I am able to get out and go to my office a few hours a day and I do go to church on Sunday i am still pretty limited in what I can do. There is no question, God did not wire us for this. Humans were never intended to be alone. We are social creatures. If we were to be alone Jesus wouldn’t have said “Where 2 or 3 are gathered in my name I will be there too.” It might have been more like, “When you are by yourself I might decide to show up”. God is with is and where God is there is always room for hope. Keep your head up. Your future isn’t on the ground. Keep looking for God. I challenge you to do something, at end of everyday take a moment and either here on your blog or handwritten and personal, where did you see God today. Be blessed.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your encouragement! It’s really true that having God doesn’t mean our hardships will vanish but we can go through them even the worst happens. He is still good and faithful. 🙌 Thank you for speaking life. God bless!

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  3. Oh my goodness, this is beautiful. Your honesty of heart and solidify of God’s love is heartfelt and altogether encouraging. Your vulnerability yet firm assurance of God’s love and purpose for your life makes me think of the many Psalms that David wrote as he lamented to God, yet still loved Him and encouraged himself in Him. Thank you for sharing your story, and know that on the other side of the world, in a little town in Georgia, you have a friend praying for you whom you’ve never met. We may never meet until He calls us home, but oh what a day that will be, and I will wave to you across the clouds! 😊 Blessings! 💕

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Awe this makes me in tears a little. Never knew how kind words from someone I never met could speak so much to me. You’re so sweet and thanks for this. I really appreciate it. God bless you there in Georgia. Grateful to God for the internet that brings us together to encourage each other. Thank you! We’ll see each other in God’s time. 💜

      Liked by 1 person

  4. A belated Happy Birthday to you. Thank you for sharing so honestly. It is ok to feel gloomy in such a situation. But your assurance of the Lords love at all times and purpose behind everything is holding you firm and will get you through these times.
    Praying you feel His presence with you in a mighty way Hanna.
    Manu 😊.

    Liked by 1 person

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