I guess if you’re living in the Philippines, you’re going to have at least one quarantine birthday. I’m not so sure if the situation is gonna be better anytime soon, but I really hope it will. Right now, I’m still stuck in a city with one of the most number of positive cases.
I never want to celebrate any of my birthday in a room full of people with flickering colored lights and booming music. Honestly, I just want to spend each of them in a serene place or in a warm restaurant, on a table surrounded with the few people I trust and love—just something intimate filled with stories and laughter. Yet even with how simple the latter can be, my villain situation still triumphed.
Nothing special happened. However, there’s somehow this obligatory feeling to write a blog post about one’s birthday when you’re a “blogger”. I initially didn’t wanna write about it because it’s unlike the usual celebration with pomp and blare. If my 24th of August 2020 is some kind of a movie, it would be shown in an old rugged theater through reeling a film, all black and white, and within just a minute into watching, you’d have a strong desire to leave. Because the first few minutes after I’ve woken up, all my mind could process is my strong desire to go home.
Well, even the thought of going home tires me already, with all those regulations and testing that I need to undergo makes me just wanna settle here and watch a ton of series the whole day. I’m not feeling so good in the past weeks. I feel so horrible, not the extreme, but like feeling flat, gloomy, or melancholic. But who doesn’t right? I mean, in the kind of situation we’re in today, who would feel good and hyped aside from those who are living their dreams and feeling nothing but apathy for the world?
And yet, of course, I’m so glad to have two close friends celebrate the day just by being present here with me. We just ate and watched a movie, nothing more special apart from the presence of two other souls that makes it. Aside from that, I’m back to the usual melancholic ambiance. (Grateful to those who greeted me on social media, too.)
As much as I want it to be, it’s hard to end this post at a redemption arc. I want my posts, my experiences, to be encouraging. Yet maybe, just by being vulnerable this time with all honesty, it will also speak to you just as much. Because life isn’t always a ‘win’ situation. Yes, breakthrough will come, but not always as soon as you want them to. I just know that I need to write this, like those gut feelings that say you just have to do it no matter what.
But if anything could make you feel better at this moment, maybe it’s to let you know that if you’re feeling, by far, the same way I do, then this will tell that you’re not alone. What you’re going through is not unique to you, and if you find the right person to talk to, you’d know that s/he has gone through the same thing, too. If you’re not okay, it’s okay. You can live through it as long as you don’t let it destroy you.
Things honestly suck sometimes—your situation, your feelings, your thoughts. God knows how much I just want to sulk in the comfort of my home back in the province and not think about anything. But I know that someday soon, God will let me see, which I’ll be thankful for, the purpose of being created for such a time as this. For being here.
Though I feel stuck and gloomy, I’m grateful for being loved every second since forever. Apart from the two decades and four years of exposure in this world (plus nine months in my mother’s womb), God has already thought about me for eternity. My feelings aren’t always the truth, and I’m always glad that truth, and not the feeling, is where our freedom depends on. Even though I don’t feel okay, I know God loves me still. He always holds me and He stays anyway. Every beat of my heart is a proof of that.
And with every beat of my heart, I am firmly believing on what’s true. I hope you are or will, too.