I couldn’t count the times that I did what God says I shouldn’t and did not what He says I should. Countless times that I have broken His heart. And when I think about it, it seems like in my Christian life, I have been more of a hypocrite than a Christian.
At the back of my mind, many times I became judgmental, impatient, lustful, envious, murderer, proud, guilty, fearful, a liar.
It always breaks my heart. And what breaks it more is that God never leaves even when He sees every detail of me defy Him all over again.
My own mistakes and failures makes me forsake my own self. They make me hate who I am and who I am not. And just when I thought that God has already given me a new heart, I really wonder if this is even the heart that He meant.
Broken, shattered, ugly, messy, wicked, selfish.
Is this what you mean God? Because a new thing isn’t supposed to look like ragged. A new heart and renewed mind aren’t supposed to be like this.
And I wanna run from this. From these horrible and ugly things that continually haunts me. But I can’t. And even though I can’t I know You can make them leave.
God, please shed light to every corner of my heart and mind and let these haunting things leave. Let your presence make them leave. Let me know the things I have to surrender and the things that need changing. Let my heart break for what breaks Yours.
This heart is not yet what it’s meant to be. The new heart doesn’t become complete over one night. It’s still on the process of breaking before mending. Because just like a broken jar, it needs to be shattered completely before it could be transformed into a newly designed, more valuable, one.
I know You won’t judge. You won’t say I told you so. You won’t reprimand but discipline. Because Your grace comforts and changes me with love.
Thank you God for never leaving in the midst of my breaking. For still seeing a little value of these shattered pieces, for still breathing hope to these useless little shards.
When all else fails because of my mistakes, God, thank you for being patient and for always extending help. That this time, I can turn things around with you. That there is still a chance to fix things with your help.
When I thought I could do things on my own, thank you for not getting angry at me. Thank you for not being disappointed. Even with the times when I couldn’t trust you enough, thank you for just being there without needing an explanation because you know everything.
When I think everybody else couldn’t understand me, thank you for just staying by my side. That whatever that’s going on in my head, you understand me the most. Even when I am confused with my own self, thank you for being my peace. Being understood by you is already my comfort.
When I think I’m already being nonsensical and people starts to leave, thank you for keeping up with my insanity and immaturity. Thank you for bearing this deceitful heart that you’re very patient to change.
When I think I’m all alone, thank you for always showing up right on time. Thank you for sending comfort just when I needed it the most.
When I choose to run away, thank you for not moving even an inch away. Thank you for waiting for me to turn around. And thank you for letting me come to you. For meeting me right where and when I need you.
Thank you, that even when I am oscillating to and fro into your presence, you constantly remain at the center. Because you knew that I’ll always come back. I’ll always come back because nothing but your grace is sufficient for me.
God, I’m sorry for breaking your heart. And God, thank you for never leaving till forever.